In a society that recognizes personal achievement, we often interpret asking for help as a sign of weakness. That said, behind every great leader is a number of people that helped them along the way.
Asking for help is an act of bravery and intelligence. It can help you get results faster, and increase your resilience. So let's talk about a few important aspects when it comes to building your 'asking for help' muscle.
Find your personal cheerleading squad.
I work with great leaders in large organizations who have big aspirations for making an impact, and growing their careers. They are seeking help navigating the corporate politics. One of the first questions I usually ask is: “Who’s your cheerleading squad?”
That question is often met with a blank face.
We get so focused on doing the analysis, putting the strategy decks together, presenting to the board, analyzing and planning our workforce, that we forget to build our safety net.
Leadership is hard work and corporate politics are messy. Everyday a new situation, everyday new challenges to overcome. You don’t have to do it alone! Having an army of people who are truly in your camp can help you be more effective at finding creative solutions to problems, as well as improving your resilience to everyday challenges.
If you’re like some of my clients and don’t know where to start, there are many starting points and no right or wrong answer, but I will offer three ways to jump in.
Those people may already exist. Take the time to think through your network (inside and outside of your organization), and who you would call upon should a problem arise. Nurture those relationships.
I’m a strong believer in karma… what goes around, comes around! So if you don’t know where to start, perhaps ask yourself if you can be someone else's cheerleader?
Just ask! I know it sounds scary but people love to help and give advice. They love to feel useful. So just ask “hey, I’m still learning the ropes here, and would love to grab coffee some day to get your insights on the organization”. And just like that, you probably converted your first cheerleader.
Finally, I always remind myself to be grateful for my peeps. They are always there for me when I need them, but they owe me nothing and I'm extremely lucky to have them in my life... So to all of my cheerleaders reading this: THANK YOU! I seriously would not be doing what I'm doing without your constant support, encouragement and mentoring.
Can I talk to your manager?
Let’s talk about the dreaded word: escalation. Why does this word have such a bad reputation? Perhaps because we often use it as a threat: “do this, otherwise I’m escalating to your boss”. It sounds a bit like children in the playground: “Stop or I’m going to tell your mom” - sure, it usually gets my kid to comply, but definitely not to like or respect that other kid!
Speaking of kids, we teach them to try and solve their own problems first, and then to ask for help if they can’t figure it out, but we have a hard time following that advice ourselves!
Thoughtful escalations are very helpful. Here’s a scenario:
Gab, a project manager, needs to ask an engineer in Sophie’s team to do some work. Gab approaches the engineer. “I need half a day of your time to do this project”. The engineer responds something like “OK, I’ll put it in my backlog”. Days go by. Gab follows up, but the work is still pending because the engineer has more urgent things to get to. All of a sudden the project misses a deadline, and its status switches to red. A whole whack of (figurative) alarm bells start ringing and more senior folks get involved to get the engineer to prioritize this work.
Sounds familiar?
This situation was probably avoidable had Gab recognized the need to escalate earlier. Something like: “Hi Sophie, we need an engineer in your team to solve this problem for this big project. It would probably take a half day. I’m not sure what else is in their backlog, so could you help me get this prioritized?”
You're not being a tattletale. A thoughtful escalation can help solve obstacles before they become problematic.
Asking for help vs learned incompetence: your role as a leader.
I would be remiss if I didn’t touch on the dangers of giving the wrong kind of help. I call it learned incompetence. And it’s a major pitfall and time sink for leaders!
Your role as a leader is to help, support and grow your team. That doesn’t mean doing everything yourself and sheltering them from every challenge. So what do you do when someone comes to you for help on something you believe they have the capability to do themselves?
First, recognize that it takes courage to ask for help. Second, build their confidence by relating this task to others you’ve seen the employee do successfully in the past. Third, offer help in ways that will make the employee feel supported in taking the leap themselves (perhaps offer to review the output before it gets sent, or to get cc’d on the email).
As a leader, I always think that my goal is to make myself obsolete. And that would be impossible if I became the single point of failure!
Be clear on what kind of help you need.
I landed in California, 8 months pregnant with my first child. Just enough time to find a yoga class, meet with an OB who would a month later assist in the delivery, and do a quick prenatal class.
While yes, I was in a new country with an infant, I was lucky enough that she was an easy baby and I had an uncomplicated birth. So when family members offered to stay over for weeks in our small 2 bedroom apartment so they could cook me dinner and hold my baby, I couldn’t understand why they thought that would help me. So I just said ‘no thanks’ - not very tactfully - and definitely ruffled a few feathers. I had a baby who was sleeping 18 hours a day, and I’m a pretty physically fit and efficient individual: time and energy was not what I was lacking!
I was however struggling emotionally. Should I go back to work? In what capacity? When? Would I do a disfavour to my child? Would she hate me forever? But if I give up my career now, what will I do when she’s all grown up and doesn't need me anymore? Clearly, I needed help thinking through the mess that is having a first child, being overwhelmed with new love (and whacky hormones) and deciding what I should do with my life. Unfortunately, I initially didn’t seek the help because I didn’t fully understand what I needed, and I fell into mild depression. When I did go back to work 9 months later, it turned into full blown depression. The only thing that kept me sane were the cuddles with my perfect baby.
In retrospect, I didn’t even know that kind of help existed. I probably would’ve gotten this support from my network of friends without asking if I had been able to see them regularly. But they were far, dealing with their own newborns and careers, and had no idea I was struggling.
It requires a lot of self-awareness and courage to recognize what kind of help you need, who is best suited to give you this help, and ask for it. Most people love to feel helpful but are not mind readers. They will offer the help they think you need. Unless you clearly state what you need, and seek the right kind of help, I’m sorry to say it probably won't magically appear!
Just like I tell my kids, I will tell you: it never hurts to ask! The worst thing that someone can say is no, so you won't be worse off than you are now. And when it comes to helping, I believe that most people are thrilled to feel helpful. Why do you think I do what I do? So I can hopefully be helpful to someone. In fact, I end most of my conversations with:
"Was that helpful?"
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