Recently someone shared with me their belief that 'reverse sexism' or 'reverse racism' is prevalent and unfair toward white men. And while I vehemently disagreed with them, it shed a doubt in my mind. Did I get the opportunities I got simply because I'm a woman and someone has to meet a quota? Do I not deserve what I have? Did I not work hard enough, smart enough?
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My 8 year old daughter is a great soccer player. She works really hard, perseveres, and is extremely competitive. She's little for her age, but she's fierce and quick, and she kicks bullets. She loves soccer.
In the summer, there are fewer kids attending practice, so they make the girls and boys play together in order to have enough kids to play. These days, she doesn't want to go to practice. On Monday, she faked an injury so she could stop playing earlier. I was puzzled, knowing how much she loves to play, so we chatted about it. Turns out, whenever she plays with the boys, they never pass to her, and when she magically gets the ball, they make comments in her ear such as 'you suck', 'you know you're not going to get the goal', 'that was a bad play', etc. Confidence crushers.
Nothing here is new, kids can be pretty mean (and adults too). We all had our share of mean kids growing up, and chances are we were all pretty mean to other kids too.
The big issue here is they do this to all the girls, consistently. The big issue is that she is not getting these comments because she is particularly bad at the sport, she is getting them simply because she was born a girl.
When you have those little voices all around you consistently telling you 'you suck', you start believing that you suck, and so you miss the goal. A self-fulfilling prophecy. You have to work 10 times harder to surmount those little snippets that become your internal voice, the one you hear and believe every time you are faced with an obstacle.
At 8 years old, I teach my daughter to be fierce, to power through it, to not let them take her down, to believe in herself, and to be kind to everyone. Unfortunately, I know that this is just the start for her, the start of a constant struggle to fight for her place in a man's world. To continue to build her self-confidence in spite of the entire world telling her overtly, or in more subtle ways, that she's too this, or too that, or not enough. And before I get the 'I'm a man and also had a hard time growing up', I know. I know you did, and I'm not diminishing your own challenges and journey. We all had our sets of unique challenges and continue to do so. But if you're a white man, you didn't have a hard time just because you were born a white man. You didn't start your life with a crutch simply due to your gender or your race.
My little girl will be fine. While she's a girl, she, also, is privileged. She has a mom and a dad who are feminists, who understand and see the challenges, who will support her, push her out of her comfort zone, cheer her on, whatever she decides to do. She was born in a family that has enough money to have a house in a nice neighbourhood, food, and everything she needs (and more). She is white.
As privileged children, we ensure our daughters understand it's their responsibility to bring up those who aren't as privileged as them, to make their mountain a little less steep to climb, to pass the ball to everyone regardless of race, gender, and ability. Just like it's my responsibility to make it easier for those who come after me.
Looking back, so many times I did the equivalent of 'faking injury' - i.e. finding excuses to opt-out because as a woman, and now as a mom, the challenge was just too intense. Other times I powered through in spite of the abusive comments or the world that wanted to take me down on the basis of my gender. But there is no doubt in my mind, the mountain is higher to climb if you weren't born a white man.
At the end of the day, if comments like the one I heard fill you with self-doubt, just like me, I hope this story helps you remember that you deserve to be where you are, and you deserve more, even if just because you had a high mountain to climb.